Ten years ago I wasn’t sure I wanted to live anymore. I was coming off a bad breakup from another toxic relationship. I was told over and over that I could not change, I was evil, I was crazy and that I was unlovable. I was told people didn’t like me, and that I was fake and stupid. And I was actually fake. I was playing this role of a happy go lucky girl by day and drowning in my sorrows by night. I remember sitting on my living room floor, rocking back and forth, playing these voices over and over in my head, telling me I am not good enough. Telling me to give up. But a friend’s voice was louder that day. My friend Kendra invited me to her church.
Ten years ago today, January 21, my whole life changed.
This was not my first time in church. But it was kind of my last ditch effort to find something. I didn’t know at the time that I would find myself. I found myself in Jesus. Up to this point in my life I was kind of living like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t have any purpose or self awareness. I just floated around trying to live in the moment, looking for love, never finding it, and never feeling truly accepted. I was LOST. But in one moment that all changed. I finally realized the Love of God was what was missing all along. My sense of purpose and worth was found in Him. This moment was the moment that I finally felt LOVE, this was the moment I finally felt ACCEPTED, this was the moment I finally felt CHANGED. A week later I was baptized and I never looked back.
With the help of the Holy Spirit and support of my church, family, friends, lots of counseling, and most importantly God, the change that happened inside of me turned into a constant state of growth. I learned what real love and healthy relationships look like. I healed old traumas and wounds. I learned to forgive myself and others. Gradually my life began to look different. It wasn’t an easy road, a lot of things from my past were hard to work through. There were still voices telling me this wouldn’t last, that I was still being fake, that my change wasn’t real. I learned to listen to the one voice that mattered most, God’s voice. God said I am a new creation.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new creation. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”
This is what I refer to as my life verse, my proof. My proof that the change in Christ absolutely can happen in an instant and sustain an entire lifetime and beyond to eternity. When the wrong voices creep in this verse is held in my mind and heart to battle them and remind me that what God did in me was and is real.
I used to have a reputation as someone who starts things and doesn’t finish them. Fighting through the hard was uncomfortable so I just gave up. I was a bit of a professional quitter. I suppose that is why this ten year mark feels like such a milestone. I have never fully committed myself to anything this long in my life before. And to be honest if you would have told me ten years ago that I would be where I am now I might not have believed you.
As I look back on these past ten years I see that everything I have now is something I used to pray for. I remember praying to love myself and feel loved. God answered that prayer by filling me with his love and the Holy Spirit. I remember praying for forgiveness for my past and being able to let the guilt go. And even though that is an ongoing prayer, I always find peace and resolution that I don’t have to carry guilt, shame or bitterness anymore. I remember praying for a purpose in life bigger than myself, and I have had the honor to help lead more people than I can count, find a relationship with Jesus and change their lives just as I did. I remember praying for a spouse designed just for me. And now I have been happily married to the most amazing Godly man for 7 going on 8 years. I remember praying to have a child and now we have a son who turns 4 soon. I remember praying for our home, our jobs, our marriage, our life… and I can truly say I have a life I once believed was out of reach for me. And it all began ten years ago today, when I chose Jesus .
I have nothing to prove, this isn’t about me or what I have achieved over these ten years. I am still a mess somedays, I still make mistakes, I am far from perfect. But there is one thing I was and still am, I AM STILL CHANGED.
If you have found yourself in a space where you want to give up, look up instead. If you are in the middle of your journey and find the waiting is getting hard, be still and TRUST God. If God can change me and answer my prayers He can do it for you too. There is HOPE.
I want to extend a very BIG thank you to the Pastors and staff at Christ Place Church for being the vessel of God to change my life. Thank you for investing in me, loving me and helping me on this journey. I would not be who I am today with out you.
Another BIG thank you goes out to all the people, family and friends who never gave up on me and prayed for me even when I didn’t know you were praying. Thank you for not giving up on me.
Thank you Kendra, for not giving up on me even when I was hard to love. Thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone and helping me see there was a way out. Thank you for leading me to Jesus.
Thank you to my current Pastors and the staff at Mercy City Church for being a part of my journey today. Thank you for giving me a space where I truly feel like I belong so I can continue this story God began in me ten years ago. I am very excited to see what He has in store next!
And finally, THANK YOU to my husband and best friend, Henry. You are the best part of my journey and the biggest answer to my deepest prayers. Thank you for believing in me, encouraging me, and loving me like Jesus everyday. You consistently remind me that this change is real and I am who God says I am. God surely sent me you. And I am so THANKFUL.